Coming in 2011: Dingerpalooza!

What's in a name?  For Major League Baseball's Home Run Derby, maybe everything.  Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a derby as "a race or contest open to all comers or to a specified category of contestants," and the given example is a "bicycle derby," whatever that is.  Like it's name implies, the Home Run Derby is generally extremely boring.  Even the special Derby balls (see right) are incredibly lame.  I still watch it every year knowing I'll be disappointed.  In reality, I tune in for the same reason you'd show up to watch your buddy do stand-up comedy at an open mic night; you feel obligated to show some support, have nothing better to do, and know that you'll be able to make fun of it at work the next day.  Here's the thing about the Home Run Derby, though; it could be awesome.  After a major overhaul, I think the Home Run Derby could become the highlight of the MLB All Star experience, without adding additional time to the already-long event.  Without further ado, I give you . . . Dingerpalooza!

First, a few generic rules that will govern the entire event:

• Dingerpalooza is a team event, AL versus NL.  Baseball's league rivalry is part of what makes it great, and that should extend to the home run event in addition to the All Star Game itself (no offense to the longstanding and passionate Hanley Ramirez / David Ortiz rivalry that was put to the test last night).
• I'm sorry, but the children in the outfield have to go.  If I wanted to see a bunch of scrawny kids running around awkwardly dropping fly balls, I'd get in a time machine, go back to 1997, and watch "ninth-grade me" play center field for Jericho High School's JV squad.  Instead, players who aren't hitting in the Dingerpalooza will man the outfield and try to rob opponent home runs.  I know the players would never agree to this, but bear with me.
• Hitters can't take more than two pitches in a row.  Said differently, hitters would have to swing at a minimum of every third pitch.  If I wanted to see someone stand uncomfortably in the batters box with a bat on his shoulder while pitches glide right down the middle of the strike zone, I'd get in a time machine, go back to 1997, and, well, you get the point.
• Participants have to be on the All Star rosters and are chosen at the discretion of the Managers.  If your Manager asks you to participate and you refuse, you don't play in the All Star Game either.  Simple as that.  Dingerpalooza is for the fans, and they should get to see the top hitters in the sport compete (sorry, Chris Young, but if anything I'd rather see the other Chris Young instead of you).
• Fans love long home runs, and we now have the technology to instantaneously measure (or at least approximately measure) home run distance.  Let's give bonus points for longer homeruns; homers of 400+ feet will be worth one extra point, and bombs of 450+ feet will be worth two bonus points. 
• Just like a baseball game, Dingerpalooza will be divided into nine innings.  Each inning will have a different "theme" that will govern who can participate and how points will be earned, and a given player can be chosen to represent his league once.  Here are my nine proposed innings / events, and who I would like to see represent each league in each one:

1. 1. Speed Kills: Instead of the traditional 10-out structure, the players would get a "speed round" of 90 seconds to hit as many homers as they can, regardless of outs made. Hanley Ramirez, Florida and Vernon Wells, Toronto.
2. 2. Help Your Own Cause: Pitchers only. Tim Hudson, Atlanta and C.C. Sabathia, New York.
3. 3. Size Doesn't Matter: Participants must be no more than 6' tall and 200 pounds. Brandon Phillips, Cincinnati and Dustin Pedroia, Boston.
4. 4. Going The Other Way: Only opposite field home runs count, with pulled homers treated like outs. David Wright, New York and Evan Longoria, Tampa Bay.
5. 5. Dead Pull: Only home runs hit within a specified distance from the foul pole count; everything else is an out. Joey Votto, Cincinnati and Vladimir Guerrero, Texas.
6. 6. Best of the West: Traditional Derby format, but participants must be from the AL / NL West.  Each home run counts for two points (before adding any distance bonus points). Adrian Gonzalez, San Diego and Josh Hamilton, Texas.
7. 7. Essentials of the Central: Traditional Derby format, but participants must be from the AL / NL Central.  Each home run counts for two points (before adding any distance bonus points).  This one probably needs a better name, but I'm too lazy to think of one. Matt Holliday, St. Louis and Miguel Cabrera, Detroit.
8. 8. Beasts of the East: Traditional Derby format, but participants must be from the AL / NL East.  Again, each home run counts for two points (before adding any distance bonus points). Ryan Howard, Philadelphia and Alex Rodriguez, New York.
9. 9. Sultans of Swat: Anyone can fill this slot, but better send your best; all home runs are worth three points before distance bonuses. Albert Pujols, St. Louis and David Ortiz, Boston.

I think this new format would renew interest in the Derby.  Who wouldn't want to see a pair of pitchers go head to head?  Wouldn't it be cool to find out which little guys can pack a punch?  Who's the top opposite field power hitter out there?  Not only would this format be more intriguing, but it involves an element of strategy for which baseball is notorious.  Obviously the NL wants Ryan Howard in there somewhere, but how should he be used?  Should he represent the NL East in the 8th inning, or be used in the 4th for his opposite field power?  Making the last rounds, and long home runs, worth more also guarantees that no league is ever "out of it" no matter how slowly they start, ensuring fan interest until the end of the event.  Lastly, top stars might be more willing to participate if they knew they'd only have to go the equivalent of one round in the current Derby format.  No disrespect to Corey Hart or Nick Swisher, but I think fans would rather see David Wright and Alex Rodriguez step to the plate in their place.

Will this ever happen?  Not in a million years, but it's fun to dream.  Let me know if you have additional suggestions or ideas.  For now I have to run; I have a friend's open mic night to attend.