Time For A Change

For those of you that know me, you've probably already heard what you're about to read at least half a dozen times - if you want to go back to reading TMZ or something, I won't blame you.  After Tuesday's Rose Bowl game, though, its time to finally get it down on paper.  So, here it goes: I HATE the Stanford band.  At this point, the reasons as to why I hate the Stanford band aren't really that important, though they include - but are hardly limited to - a) the fact that all of the "musicians" are absolutely terrible at playing musical instruments, b) the group's annoying and tired anti-establishment, "we're too good to organize ourselves" style and c) the way the percussion section substitutes sinks, trash can lids and just about anything else made of metal for drums.  We get it - you can hit pretty much anything with drumsticks and it will make a sound.

I mean . . . What the hell is this?

There's nothing wrong with being weird.  Ask anyone close to me and they'll likely tell you that, at times, I can be as weird people come.  If the kids in the Stanford band want to get together and put on bizarre outfits while jamming on their saxophones, tubas and, yes, garbage can covers, that's fine with me.  After spending two years in Palo Alto, I can say with confidence that there are tons of weird people doing tons of weird things pretty much all the time at Stanford, and I have absolutely no problem with it.  So what's my beef with the Stanford band, you ask?  Well, unlike the underwater hockey squad, the juggling association or the quiddich team, the band gets a completely unearned national audience in front of which to unveil its collective weirdness.  As a result, the Stanford band consistently damages the Stanford brand, and it's really starting to drive me nuts.

All of this comes at a time when Stanford University is seeking to add "football powerhouse" to a list of collegiate accolades that includes top-notch academics, beautiful campus and near perfect weather.  After weathering the losses of coach John Harbaugh and later quarterback Andrew Luck to return to a third consecutive BCS bowl game - Tuesday's 20-14 victory over B1G champion Wisconsin - you'd be crazy not to consider Stanford a top-ten college football program.  Unless, however, you watched the Stanford band perform during halftime or after the end of the Rose Bowl.  In that case, you're probably wondering "how can I take a football program seriously when its band looks like, well, that?"  And you know what?  I don't have an answer for you.  Watching Stanford's band perform on the same field as Wisconsin's was like watching Colorado play football against Stanford this year - it was mostly embarrassing, with a little bit of sadness sprinkled in for good measure.

I have some thoughts about what Stanford should do about the band situation.  My top option consists of blowing up the band (not literally, of course, though I'd be willing to consider that too) and replacing it with a giant walking DJ robot.  It might sound dumb at first, but I challenge you to argue that a technologically-advanced, Gangnam Style-blasting robot would do Stanford University less justice then the current monstrosity that calls itself the Leland Stanford Junior University Marching Band.  No matter that Stanford decides to do instead, it's time to stop trotting the band out onto the field for another nationally televised performance.  The Stanford players, coaches and - most importantly - fans deserve much better.